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NVC Resources on Feelings

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Needs-Based Negotiation

Trainer Tip Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication. —Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. When I worked in the university system, I spent a great deal of time and energy negotiating for salary increases and position upgrades. My arguments usually focused on how I compared to other people in the industry, my years of experience, and what I thought was fair. I believed...
Authenticity

Trainer Tip The first point of courtesy must always be truth. —Ralph Waldo Emerson Is it sometimes hard for you to be honest about who you are? Do you ever censor yourself to meet your needs for acceptance or community? It can be challenging to be the only one on the bus who wants to go to the mountains, when everyone else wants to go to the beach, isn't it! The truth is, if you say that you...
Aligning Our Strategies with Our Values

Trainer Tip Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead. —Chinese proverb What do you value most? Do your actions match your values? I used to think that I valued integrity more than anything, yet I went to work every day for five years at a job I hated. I thought that I valued friendships but it just didn’t seem convenient to be present when friends were in dire straits....
Specificity Is the Key

Trainer Tip No legacy is so rich as honesty. —William Shakespeare Do you sometimes feel frustrated about situations in your life, while being too embarrassed to make a specific request, or perhaps annoyed because you’d really like the other person to “just get it”? I recognize this dynamic when I hear someone say to her partner, “I want you to help out more around the house.” Often when someone...
Using Anger to Serve Life

Trainer Tip All rising to a great place is by a winding stair. —Francis Bacon Sometimes we need to empathize with a person before he can hear our anger. Consider that all anger is an expression of an unmet need. If we focus on the need, rather than the actions, we are more likely to connect compassionately with other people. For instance, if your son shaves your cat, what do you suppose his...
Love Trumps Everything

Trainer Tip "Look forward to the power of love replacing the love of power. Then we will know peace." —William Gladstone You’d really like the dishes to be done right after dinner, so you try to force your teenage son to do them each night. Or, maybe you’d like your employees to arrive at work promptly at eight in the morning, so you create punishments if they don’t comply. You think you have...
Staying in the Present

Trainer Tip "Never let yesterday use up today." ——R.H. Nelson How often do you worry about the future or fret about the past? Usually if we are in anguish, it’s because we’re not in the present. Let’s say you’re worrying about how to pay your rent. Is it due today? If not, you’re worrying about the future. Is there anything you can do today to help you pay the rent when it’s due? If so, do it....
Self Connection in the Turbulent Times of COVID-19

Read on for a demonstration of self empathy -- all generated within the context of both the COVID-19 pandemic, and the changes to Bridget's life that have arisen as a result. "Every day the amount of change has been so huge! Each day lately has felt like a week or even a month. Why? Because the amount of change every day has been so huge. Change to our home lives. Change to our work lives....
Letting People Support Us

Trainer Tip "No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy" —Thomas Fuller, M.D. Some time ago I was in a serious car accident. I spent three nights in the Intensive Care Unit. When I got out of the hospital, I needed someone to stay with me for a few weeks because my brain wasn’t working properly and I couldn’t be trusted to make sound decisions. Through...
Acting in Accordance With Our Values

Trainer Tip A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. —Oscar Wilde We’re not perfect. Sometimes we say and do things we regret later. I used to feel somewhat justified when I snapped at a grocery clerk, or if I cut someone off in traffic. After all, they didn’t know me, right? Now I know that every action we take has an impact. The nature of the...